18 March 2015

Musings, or a mind dump

She is growing so quickly. I know how mothers feel now, and she is only 20 months. Am I even allowed to still count her in months? Maybe until age 2.

I feel guilty for saying I am tired some days. I only have one kid. And yeah, our days are relatively quiet, but that can be part of the madness. She plays well by herself if I need to do something for a bit, but I want her days to be meaningful too.  The early years are so important, right? We went swimming today, and it was great! And also for a walk in the carrier with the sunshine. Still a little chilly, but on the plus side of zero and the sidewalks are clear. Spring is here,snow is melting. 

Lena is learning so much. Her favourite songs are: 
1. "Baby." Aka baby beluga. Requested 25x a day. 
2. "Winkle winkle" aka twinkle twinkle little star
3. "Abc" the alphabet song is a new fav

She talks all day, reads to herself (and to her baby), and is saying so many new words all the time.  It really is amazing. 

I really hope that these years aren't just a blur in my memory. 

12 March 2015


Pregnant! I am so happy. 

I tested early a few days ago and got a negative, and was very disappointed. This was only our first month of trying so it wasn't really a big deal. But I've never been too keen on December and January babies. Too close to the school entry deadline and the start/end of the year. But this babe is due November 21 :)

When I found out I was pregnant with Lena, I was so scared. I probably should be more nervous about having a toddler and a newborn, but I think they'll have such a nice age gap as they grow (2 yrs 4 months.) I feel so lucky that we've never had any fertility problems. Life is good!

07 March 2015

A love letter

My beloved Spring,

I wait for your return, each year more impatient than the last. I've seen glimpses of you across the web, of muddy fields and soft green vegetation sprouting up out of the earth. It brings out my jealous side, though I know that it won't be too long before we meet again. I long to see my cherished tulips popping their heads up, to feel warm air again, to walk on cleared sidewalks and riverside paths. 

I know that I don't always send you off with the farewell that you deserve. Summer waltzes in with all her flowers in full bloom and trees full of bright green leaves, and you, Spring, slowly take you cue and exit gracefully. But you are always the most desired season, always the one to bring me hope and dreams once more; you are the one I anxiously await each year and rejoice with my full heart for all to hear: "Spring has arrived! At last, at last!"

I am still waiting. Please hurry. 

Yours, fondly and with love, 


05 March 2015

Cabin Fever

February is over, thank the Lord! I think it was below -15 for at least half of the month, with wind chills below -20 way, way, way too many days. So if Wade was at work, Lena and I were stuck in the house. 6am to 4pm. AHHHHHHHH.

Let's just say I am ready for spring. February always makes me so crazy that when the temp finally dips above zero in March, I completely lose it and swing wildly the other way. March is my most impulsive month (as noted in March 2011 when Wade and I were this close to eloping.) I'm going to try and keep it together this March... play it cool, ya know?

28 February 2015


I have had issues with food for a long, long time. Obviously.

I feel like this is obvious to anyone who looks at me, which makes it all the more shameful. I am clearly overweight, which announces my weaknesses to all without me having to say a word. I have very poor self control. I binge on sweets on a regular basis, which is why my weight frequently goes up and down the same five pounds. I can't trust myself alone with chocolate, cookies, or ice cream. One solution is to just not buy those things.... again, obvious. And yet I can't seem to shake this habit. No one is perfect, I realize that, but I wish that my struggles were more easily hidden.

The other problem is that I know how to eat healthy foods. And most of the day, I do eat foods that nourish my body.

And then I gobble down treats until I feel sick. That is not healthy. I feel sick, physically, and I feel so ashamed of myself. Each time, I tell myself that this is not worth it, and make a mental note that this has to stop NOW.

I am twenty pounds and two pant sizes above my pre-pregnancy body. Lena is 19 months. We have started to try for another baby. And yet, I have been dancing on either side of my obesity line since then. This is not good. Not only for my self-image, but for the little bean I am hoping to grow within this body. That life deserves the very best, and I think that I do too.

May the binge stop here. Please.

28 January 2015

Vacation Plans.... PEI!

“Most of us don’t get epiphanies. We only get a whisper–a faint urge. That’s it. That’s the call. It’s up to you to do the work of discovery, to connect it to an answer.” ~ Po Bronson

Wade and I have decided to take a trip this summer, in June-- just early enough to miss the height of the tourist season, yet on the cusp of summer's warmth and long, fragrant days. We are renting a cottage in Prince Edward Island for one week, as well as spending a couple of days in New Brunswick on the way out. Are we crazy to attempt a 19 hour drive with a toddler? Yes. Yes, we are. The plan is to begin our journey at bedtime, and drive through the night. We will hopefully make it to Riviere-du-Loup by morning, and then only have about 6 hours of driving to do to make it to Fredericton, NB for the next night.  Logisitics. We may invest/borrow some kind of TV watching device, although our girl also can go a long way with a stack of board books. Anyways, I am so terribly excited at the prospect of A) a vacation! and B) PEI!

I have been thinking so longingly for PEI, and trying to come up with ways that we can work from home if it proves impossible to find work there. I don't think it would be too too hard, since there is always a need for DSW's, pretty much no matter where you go. And yet... do we really want to move so far away? I'm hoping that this trip will either say to us, "NOPE, find somewhere else to live!" or "Pack your bags, cause this is happening."

On my last trip to PEI (5 years ago! where does the time go, actually??), we stayed in a cottage owned by my friends' friend's parents. We went to the main house after dinner one evening, and it still stands out as one of the moments in my life when everything was clear. We sat in their sunporch, watching as the dusk poured out over the still water. My soul felt such peace in that moment, and I long for it still. I think I would be happy in a slower lifestyle. Yes, my lifestyle now is pretty slow.... but many of those around me are not. I realize that the daily grind can follow you wherever you go, but to be surrounded by such beauty, rather than these streets and parking lots (oh, the parking lots!) would make it joyful, rather than bearable.

We'll see. Until then, I will be daydreaming, researching possibilities, and looking at pictures of empty red beaches. 

21 January 2015


I have been a mom now for a year and a half. That's long enough to feel like I'm not a brand new mom, and also to just not really think about it like that anymore. For the first while, I always felt like A New Mom. Ie, I'm overreacting because I'm A New Mom. Or, you'll see, this is just how kids are... you're just A New Mom. Now I feel like I'm just.... A Mom. Yup, there are millions of moms in the world, and I'm one of them. And I love it.

Motherhood has changed me in ways I didn't expect. I was never one to spent an hour getting ready in the morning, doing hair and make up, etc. Sometimes I would straighten my hair (I lost my straightener when we moved, at 30 weeks pregnant and have yet to replace it... I'm coming around to my natural hair) or put on very light make up. Now, sometimes I'll wear mascara but that's still about it. I'm okay with that. I wear jeans when I go out, so I think I'm doing okay in that department. No, my physical appearance hasn't changed too much since having a kid... I have bags under my eyes more often, and I'm still hanging onto that last 12 lbs of baby weight (and have kind of resigned myself now that it's coming along for the ride for pregnancy #2 now), and I only get my hair cut every 6 months due to frugality, laziness in scheduling an appointment, and fear of smalltalk during haircuts, and I'm fairly certain that I don't know what is currently in style. But again... who cares?

Anyways, motherhood didn't really change my personal beauty routine. There wasn't really much to change. What did change? Well, I can't read about anything sad happening to kids in the world without crying now. And you'd better not show me a video about the horrors of the world, because I just can't handle it. My emotions are front and center now, especially when it comes to things about kids. And this part is terrible... but my solution is just to ignore it, and pretend that it's not happening.

What else? Well, I also think about my kid all the time. I think she is absolutely adorable and I could watch her all day. Technically, I do watch her all day, for many days a week. Yeah, she occasionally drives me nuts (let the temper tantrums begin!) but I'm still totally in love. When I think about my future and what I want in life, I think about what I want for Lena and for our other future babies. How I want to raise them, where I want them to grow up, etc.. this is on the forefront of my mind right now, I think because I feel like we are in transition. We know that this is not where we will live for much longer, so this question is constantly in my mind. I want my kids to grow up somewhere safe and wholesome (hahaha!), since this is their foundation.

I also don't really care about my career or about being 'busy' right now. My life is pretty slow right now, and I really like it that way. I worked about 6 days a week prior to my pregnancy (and was working and in school through my pregnancy) and just didn't have a lot of downtime. Life doesn't need to be busy. Watching a tiny mind develop is incredible; what else is there? There is such peace in the downtime, and money is not worth the havoc busyness creates.  I recently listened to a friend talk about how busy she is, between an intense career and going back to school so that she can further her career. She is just go-go-go. It's stressful just listening to it. I hung up the phone, thinking to myself how happy I was to submit to this simple, quiet life.

I am in such a good place, and I have a hunch that the years when my children are small will be the most significant of my life.

I do not intend to waste them.